America suffers from a collective case of do-gooder deafness: we have a hard time hearing a message when it’s delivered by a dorky academic or an unattractive activist. We’re all ears, though, when celebrities speak out about their pet causes, or their pets, or whatever. So, in acknowledgement of the fact that I, as a mere blogger, can only hope to influence so many people, I’d like to enlist the aid of some of our most oogled and Googled celebrities to help America combat climate change and overconsumption:

1. Britney Spears: Britney’s evidently on the road to recovery after some much needed r ‘n’ r. Here are three more “r’s” I’d love to see Britney promote: reduce, reuse and recycle. Our landfills are overflowing with post-consumer crap and the oceans are clogged up with plastic; what better time for Britney to redefine white trash! Recommended reading/viewing: Garbage Land by Elizabeth Royte; The Story of Stuff by Annie Leonard.

2. Paris Hilton: A rolling stone gathers no moss, but a globe-trotting Paris Hilton gathers dross. You’re just fossil-fueling yourself, sweetie; stop running around the world making geographical gaffes and hyping your hybrid SUV. Take a page out of No Impact Man’s playbook and see if you can stay a little closer to home for a year. Borrow a bike from Ed Begley Jr., and pedal your way to penitence. Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping will bless you.

3. Lindsay Lohan: Lindsay confided to Elle magazine last fall that she feels bad about the fact that media coverage of her shenanigans “is distracting from the other things that are important, like global warming and that kind of stuff.” So, Lindsay, why not use that media glare to highlight the hazards of climate change? You’ll get a glow, and it won’t be from global warming. Go on David Gershon’s Low Carbon Diet, school yourself with the hot eco-doc Everything’s Cool, and you’ll be cool, too.

4. David Beckham: The soccer superstar and style icon’s receding hairline has the blogosphere all abuzz. Stressing about your thinning tresses, Becks? Imagine how folks in West Virginia feel about the bald spots the coal-mining industry’s leaving on their beloved Appalachian mountains. The tragedy of male pattern baldness pales besides the heartbreak of mountaintop coal removal. Once you’ve covered your semi-nude noggin with pricey plugs, why not get out and stump on behalf of your adopted home’s oldest mountain range before they blast the last tree to smithereens? Recommended reading/viewing: Coal River by Michael Shnayerson, Burning the Future: Coal In America.

5. Madonna: America’s most famous ex-pat has set down roots as deep as her brown hair in Britain, so she’s the perfect candidate to publicize the plight of Britain’s endangered red squirrels, whose very future is imperiled by an invasion of deadly pox-carrying gray American squirrels. How about an animated PSA to the tune of “Who’s That Squirrel?” in which she helps Squirrel Nutkin knock Rocky J. Squirrel’s block right off the island? At the very least, the pop princess could follow Prince Charles’ royal lead and become a patron of Save Our Squirrels.

6. Donald Trump: The Lowbrow Baron of the High-Rise isn’t getting very far with his bullying and bulldozing these days. From his proposed golf course development in Scotland to his Long Island “Trump on the Ocean” project, The Donald’s grandiose plans keep running aground in the face of stiff opposition from locals. Is his stature diminishing? Here’s a new mantra for the author of Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life: Think small and DO GOOD. Recommended reading/viewing: Deep Economy by Bill McKibben; Garbage Warrior, coming to a theater near you on April 2nd!

7. Rush Limbaugh: Yes, Limbaugh’s a noxious gasbag, but scientists are making great strides these days converting methane gases from manure into energy. Limbaugh is the nadir of climate change naysayers, and it’s a safe bet that he’ll continue to pooh-pooh the notion that global warming’s a threat to the planet, so why not harness the harmful nonsense he spews and turn it into a useful source of energy? Recommended viewing: Biogas, The Movie:

8. Amy Winehouse: Winehouse is, alas, goin’ back to rehab, so she presumably won’t be available to do any kind of pr for awhile. But once she’s bounced back from her latest crack-up, I’d love to see Amy put her beehive’d head to work on raising awareness of colony collapse disorder, the mystery disease that’s killing bees all over the U.S. and Europe. Come to think of it, she’d be a great spokesperson to raise awareness of white nose syndrome, too—that’s the deadly illness that’s decimating the northeast’s bat population. Recommended viewing: Every Third Bite, coming soon!

9. Chuck Norris: Now that Mike Huckabee’s presidential bid is over, Norris presumably has some free time, so I’d like to suggest that the legendary martial arts megastar turn his attention from black belts to green belts and use his status as America’s number one action star to slay the developer dragons and strip-mall monsters. Who better than a diehard conservative to champion conservation? Recommended reading/viewing: The Long Emergency by James Howard Kuntler; The Unforeseen.

10. Richie Sambora: Sambora was arrested yesterday in Laguna Beach after his black Hummer was spotted weaving in and out of traffic. The Bon Jovi guitarist went to rehab twice last year; will a third time be the charm? Drinking and driving is never a good idea (especially when your 10 year-old daughter’s in the backseat) but alcohol can be a tough demon to shake. Maybe Sambora would have more luck if he swore off driving instead? Ditch the Hummer, Ritchie, get off the Lost Highway, and become an advocate for Transportation Alternatives.